Unselfie Chapters 8 & 9 Discussion

 Chapter 8. Empathetic Kids Stick Their Necks Out 

8th EMPATHY HABIT: Promoting moral courage to embolden kids to speak out, step in     
                                    and help others Corresponds to pages 169 to 190 in Unselfie 

1.  Which parenting styles curtail or strengthen children’s moral courage? How does over-rescuing or a helicopter style impede? What is your style? If you are in a rescue mode, how might you step back? 

2. The story of Rocky Lyon (pg 178) describes how a parent helped her child find his inner hero. How are you helping your child develop moral courage? What else might you do (pg 180)? 

3.  Which of the five reasons curtails your child and peers from helping bullied peers (pg 172)? What can parents do so kids feel more comfortable coming to you or other adults for help? 

4.  What family courage ritual could you use to empower your child to face setbacks (pg 189)? 

5.  How can parents help children be more likely to step in to help or comfort others? 

6.  Kids need heroes to inspire their Moral Courage. Who are your child’s heroes? 

7.  Which books or films could help kids learn to stick their necks out for others (pg 188)? Are you interested in starting a book club (pg 188) with your child’s friends and parents? 

8.  Which moral courage builders might you use (pg 183-189) with your child? How could parents join forces to help children learn Upstander strategies? 

Chapter 9. Empathetic Kids Want to Make a Difference 

9th EMPATHY HABIT: Cultivating altruistic leadership abilities to motivate children to make   
                                     a difference for others and become Changemakers 
                                     Corresponds to pages 191 to 214 in Unselfie

9.  Do you believe that empathy is something kids are born with or a trait that can be developed? How could that answer have a surprising impact on whether children become Changemakers? (pg 201). 

10.  Does your child (or you) believe that empathy is something you’re born with or something that can be developed? How can you use the steps (pg 201-202) to teach your child that empathy stretches? 

11.  Do you agree that fame-driven “heroes,” a materialistic world, and an over-helping parenting style can limit a child’s altruistic potential (pg 195-198)? What else can shortchange altruistic urges? 

12.  How might you use the Perlyn’s six steps (p 205) to help your child become a Changemaker? 

13.  What community resources might offer meaningful service opportunities for your child? 

14.  How might you use the eight strategies (pg 208-211) to help your child develop altruistic leadership? 

15.  How could you stretch your child’s comfort zone to include “different” experiences (pg 212)? 

16.  How can parents work together to raise kids who want to better the world? 

Unselfie Chapters 6 & 7 Discussion

Chapter 6. Empathetic Children Practice Kindness

6th EMPATHY HABIT: Developing and exercising compassion to increase children’s  

                                    concern about the welfare and feelings of others

                                    Corresponds to pages 119 to 140 in Unselfie

1.  Did Harvard’s survey (pg 124) as to the values teens deem “most important” surprise you? What values would your child say matter? Do you agree that “achievement and success” are trumping “kindness and character”? (pg 124) How can parents help kids realize that kindness matters?

2.  Do you agree that kindness can be stretched like a muscle? Why do many parents think that kindness is a fixed trait? How can you help your child practice kindness (such as on pg 129-135)? 

3.  Jessica and Mark initiated Secret Kindness Buddies (pg 136) to focus on kindness and giving. Are there other family rituals (such as those on pg 135-139) you would like to try with your kids?

4.  “Kids learn kindness best through example” (pg 134). If your child had only your example to watch, would he catch kindness? How can parents be more intentional about modeling kindness?

5.  Were you surprised by the findings on random acts of kindness studies with children (pg 127)? How could you apply Sonja Lyubomirsky’s findings with your family? (A few ideas: pg 129-132).

6.  What books and films help kids understand kindness? How could parents share selections amongst so more children can be exposed to their messages about kindness?

7.  Is starting a Kid Kind Club (pg 139) something you might consider? If so, how might you begin? 

Chapter 7. Empathetic Kids Think “Us” Not “Them” 

7th EMPATHY HABIT: Cultivating collaboration to active empathy and help children work  
                                    with others to achieve shared goals for the benefit of all  
                                    Corresponds to pages 141 to 168 in Unselfie 

8.  How has the decline of unstructured play affected childhood? How much free time does your child have to learn collaborative skills? 

9.  How might parents join forces to use the cooperative game ideas (pg 163), mix up the social scene (pg 162) or movie nights (pg 162) to boost their children’s cooperative skills? 

10. How are you strengthening your child’s collaborative skills (like playgroups, team membership, family meetings)? What family projects (pg 164) might help your family work together? 

11.  How could you use the Family Meetings (pg 154) to polish your child’s social-emotional skills? 

12. How has stiff competition affected empathy (pg 148)? Are you more likely to praise “the win” or your child’s “camaraderie” (pg 162)? How can parents help kids grasp that teamwork counts? 

13. We empathize with those “like us.” How can you expand your child’s Circle of Concern (pg 150)? 

14.  What community resources might you use to expose your child to more diversity? How do we help children understand racism and injustice happening in the world? 

Unselfie Chapters 4 & 5 Discussion

 Chapter 4. Empathetic Kids Have a Moral Imagination 

4th EMPATHY HABIT: Instilling a moral imagination so kids can use literature, films and                                            emotionally-charged images as a source of inspiration to feel with  
                                    others 
                                    Corresponds to pages 95 to 118 in Unselfie

1.  “Books can be portals to understanding other worlds and other views to helping our children be more open to differences and cultivate new perspectives.” Which books were your childhood favorites? Which resonate with your child? Were you surprised (pg 78-80) on the power of literary fiction to activate empathy? How can you find books that pull your child’s heart strings?

2.  Posing the right questions can help kids vicariously step into someone else’s place. What strategies (pg 80) might help your child see the world from other perspectives?

3.  Around eight is when kids generally stop reading for enjoyment, and also when we typically stop reading aloud to them. How can you use the ideas (page 86-87) to instill in your child a greater love of reading?

4.  Have you considered starting a “Parent-Child Book Club?” If so, how would you start?

5.  Which age-by-age strategy (or others) intrigued your interest (pg 88-91)?

Chapter 5. Empathetic Children Can Keep Their Cool

5th EMPATHY HABIT: Mastering self-regulation to help children learn to manage strong 
                                    emotions and reduce personal distress so they can help others                                              Corresponds to pages 95 to 118 in Unselfie

6.  Research says that self-control is a better predictor of adult wealth, health and happiness than grades or IQ? Do you agree? If so, why? Are today’s children being raised to have self-control?

7.  Are you noticing a change in children’s (and adults) ability to regulate their self-control? If so, what do you attribute the increase? How well do your children manage their emotions?

8.  What are you doing to help your children learn habits of self-regulation?

9.  UnSelfie describes approaches that nurture children’s self-regulation (like stress-management, yoga, meditation, mindfulness). Did any interest you? Have you considered a Parent-Child Yoga group?

10.  Schools are embracing mindfulness practices (pg 106-108). Would you consider adopting the approach in your home? How might you start? Are there ways you might join other parents (such as in playgroups, scouting, play dates) to teach self-regulation practices to your children together?

11.  Which age-by-age strategy (pg 106-116) would you consider using with your children? What other self-regulation strategies have your tried? How would you know if they worked?